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It boggles my mind how wrapped up in conflict people can become and how much they let others get in their head.

Over the past few months I’ve had several conversations with friends and associates in which they have repeatedly complained about the behavior of others. Some of these people are negative or critical by nature, so complaining is par for the course. Others, however, are introspective and thoughtful, and have fully considered their own role in their situation before finally casting blame.

In each case I’ve either agreed or disagreed with their premise, but in all cases I’ve tried to talk them off the ledge. In general, I think life’s too short to waste negative energy worrying about the actions of others. Doesn’t mean we have to like their behavior, but it does mean understanding that their motivations (and awareness) are different from ours and choosing to focus on our own actions instead. Getting caught up in others’ actions can adversely affect our own intentions; at a minimum it distracts us, but more likely we start managing to a different set of objectives. We start playing defense instead of offense, and it’s tough to make progress on our heels.

Stepping back and noticing these friends and associates letting others get in their heads has opened my eyes. I’ve started looking for evidence of this in my own life…situations where I am wasting energy focusing on the wrong things. It’s much easier said than done, but it’s a worthwhile exercise. I am also becoming a better “life coach”, helping my peers see through their aggravation and focus on their goals. It’s up to them whether they want to rise above it or not, but at least by redirecting the conversation I can show them another path.

Ultimately, the only one that should be in your head is you. And that’s a choice.

I have an eleven month-old daughter, Delaney, who has hit the home-wrecking stage. She is into everything, newly mobile and intensely curious. Over the course of a half hour…let alone an entire day…she leaves a path of destruction around the house. Toys are scattered, cabinets (the safe ones) are emptied, and anything we’ve left within reach is handled and discarded.

It’s been a few years since my other children were in this stage, but even the older ones can leave a trail. At this point we’re working on chores and allowances, trying to develop a sense of responsibility and contribution in each of them. Some weeks are better than others; lately it seems we’re back at square one. This morning when I got up there was stuff everywhere, which is what happens when people continue to make a mess and not clean up after themselves.

A personal mission of mine is to not leave a trail behind me. I try to be disciplined about picking up after myself and not leaving a wake. And often as I move about through the house  I will try to chip away at whatever mess is there. It’s part of my net progress philosophy, that consistent incremental progress adds up…eventually cleaning up my own mess plus a little bit of others’ will eventually get rid of the mess. Of course, with Hurricane Delaney in the house there is always a mess to clean up.

I think what applies in our household also applies in the world. If everyone could avoid leaving a wake, and perhaps even chip away at the mess by cleaning a little more than their mess, the world would be in a great place. Too often people lose sight of their impact and leave a mess for someone else, and the cumulative impact is substantial. The trick is to subtly flip the equation and have that cumulative impact be positive. And even if we can’t change others’ behavior, we can have an impact by changing our own. And that’s why I keep chipping away and remaining hopeful. Maybe someday our house…let alone the world…will become a “no wake zone”.

So I’ve decided to start blogging, and I’ve decided to label my blog “Harnessing observations in a journey of self-discovery and improvement”. You can read about it more specifically in the About… section, but the basic idea is that the everyday world can teach us a lot…if we pay attention. And in my goal to become a better person (and a more successful one in the manner that I define it), I hope to harness my observations to learn to make better decisions and have better outcomes. I hope you’ll engage along the way.